June 10th, 2018

I hope you find love.

Not the kind of love that loves until something better comes along. Not the kind of love that takes and takes and gives nothing. Not the kind of love that lies. Not the kind of love that breaks. Not the kind of love that leaves.

But,

The kind of love that gives and keeps on giving. The kind of love that always has your back. The kind of love that loves you through all your struggles. The kind of love that looks at you like you are the most precious thing in the whole wide world. The kind of loves that stays. 

I hope you find that. 

i look forward.

i look forward to airport reunions. 

~~~

i look forward to hands reconnecting. 

~~~

i look forward to not missing you. 

happy.

----

I'm happy. 

For once in my life happy isn't a sad thought.

Happy isn't just a wishful dream of something i'll never be or have.

----

I'm happy. 

Once you realize that the world doesn't need to be held on your own shoulders, but that there is a God that is strong enough to carry the whole universe on his shoulders; it's pretty easy to be happy. 

Midnight Dreams.

Dream have a way of reminding us of what the heart still feels. 

My midnight dreams like to remind me that once you love, you never forget. The heart isn't so easy to forget what the mind thinks is too painful to remember. 

But the daylight scares those dreams away; I'm okay with that.

broken.

---

i wanted so badly to make you feel whole. 

------

i wanted to put all the broken bits and pieces back together. as if the world had never touched you. 

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but then, i realized.

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some people like being broken.

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but some people want to be saved.

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you just have to learn the difference.

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fall tunes.

It's november. i dyed my hair red and these are some tunes i'm listening to this fall. 

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greg laswell - high and low 

andrew belle - you 

the japanese house - face like thunder

joy williams - we can never go back 

ed sheeran - one 

niall horan - this town 

imogen heap - you know where to find me 

the fray - sing low 

the 1975 - fallingforyou

i decided.

i decided to keep fighting // that i had a little more left to give //

i decided i couldn't let go // i decided that's okay // for now 

hearts do break // time does heal // forgiveness is possible // trust can be restored

love is hard // love is real // 

but the fact that we survive off of the love of others, was reason enough to try and love again //

2am sky.

I like to believe that one day i'll wake up, and everything will be okay. 

That all those haunted dreams in my head will become reality and fantasy bites the dust.

That somewhere between here and there, all the star dust in the 2am sky will fall into place. 

That you and i will find the place where humans don't tear at each others limbs, and words don't burn like bullet holes.  

Currently- August

Currently: 

listening-  aurora (i went to far) and chvrches (clearest blue)

eating- thai food. omg guys, where has it been my whole life?
 

watching- pretty little lairs. nothing new here.
 

missing- my best friend. 
 

drinking- iced ginger peach tea.

loving- my new teddy bear from build-a-bear. (yes, i'm an adult. why do you ask?) 

wearing- new high heel shoes from forever 21. hella fine.

 
reading- nothing. no time. life is sad sometimes.  

dreaming- i wanna travel the world. touch, breath, and feel everything. 

I am.

I am mint blue

I am the the smell of lilacs

I am the leaves of fall

I am caramel white mocha's

I am my favorite song

I am the way i cry

I am the way i laugh

I am a yellow volkswagen bug

I am the moon and stars

I am my childhood favorite cat

I am a crisp fall morning

I am first kisses and heartbreak

I am the golden scottish highlands

I am the songs written upon my notepad

I am the things I've lost and the things to come

I am christmas morning

I am 1996

I am a daughter of God

I am snow flacks on pine needles

I am the wild sea

I am me. I am Hannah.

I won't list the things i am not. Because, they don't matter.

hurricane.

you and i.

a hurricane.

we thought we could dance in the storm without getting hurt.

but
that's impossible you see.

because we will never reach the eye of the storm.

we weren't meant to be.

so the wind and waves will steal us away.

one day we will get out.  

but 
not together.

you, somewhere between lies and dreams. 
me, somewhere I used to dream of.

it’s okay though.

at least we didn’t drown. 

SCREAMING

IM SCREAMING. 

afterdawnnoisetrade

scribbles.

is this what makes us human?

to feel everything. 

but yet,
 nothing at all.

i promise.

you are worth waiting for.

you are worth every fallen tear.

you are worth saying no.

you are worth it.

i promise.

sometimes.

people shatter people.

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you shatter.

/

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/

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you are left with pieces.

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/

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sometimes you can put them back together.

/

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/

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sometimes you can’t.

a ghost.

i told myself i'd soon forget. that what they say is true. 

that time heals all wounds. that this would fade. 

as if it never happened. erased from my mind.

but, tell me why do i still feel it.

why does my mind still run wild with these memories?

i guess the other day i realized.

you never really forget.

the pain will dim and the thoughts will become few and far between. 

but they will still remain. they are apart of your being now. they are you. 

it'll stay with you forever. like a ghost.

making you who you are and who you are going to be.

but you’ll learn to live with it or try to.

i hope you try,

maybe, just maybe.

someday you’ll even learn to smile at the ghosts within.

i hope.

 i hope you are happy.

i hope you find what you were always searching for.

i hope you find you.

i hope you find out why you are so drawn to heartbreak.

why it is so easy for you to throw yourself off a cliff.
but yet so hard to keep within.

i hope you can look yourself in the eyes through the looking glass and smile.

that you learned to live with your demons. 

i hope you did it.
 i hope you did all those things that haunted your mind.

i hope you found out why you have a gypsy soul.
why you crave the sea and the pavement lights. 

i hope you find peace.

i hope you learned to stay. to let go. to lose. to be. to love.

i hope you loved with all your being. with your heart, soul, body and mind.

with such a recklessness that it scares even yourself.

i hope you find it.
 not so much a thing, place or even a person.

but a feeling.

a feeling of living.

i hope you lived.

//dear me.

last night.

 into the rain i ran. 

it didn't matter how wet i got

or

how much of my makeup rolled off my face

or

that tears and rain danced like a waltz together on my face.

it didn't matter.

i chose to run.

to dance.

to be.

in the rain. 

autumn playlist.

I hope everyone is having a lovely week so far. I put together a collection of a few song that i'm really digging.  so pour a cup of tea and pull on your favorite sweater and give these tunes a listen. xoxo

clean // the japanese house 

where are you now? REMIX // justin bieber 

headlight // lvy and gold 

bone // ben horward 

OW // oh wonder 

infinity // one direction 

wild // troye sivan 

roots // imagine dragons

drive // haley

last night.

we sobbed through the whole opening credits of little women. 

maybe

 it was the fact that you are leaving in 3 days 

or 

perhaps,

 it's was the way that somehow between the melody, bits and pieces or our childhood came to life,

as if 

suddenly we were little kids again, hiding in our attic to watch our favorite movie. cuddled up with layers of blankets and love. 

ha, maybe it was just the overdoes of caffeine from starbucks.

i guess it could have been many things.

but, 

i felt love and loss

but,

 us little women will be together again 

and 

you'll be home for Christmas.